{New Song} Mind Your Heart

  

So I updated my mommy-life. Now for an update on my personal life: I wrote a new song! I haven't written a new song in maybe three years, and I never really fully liked the last song I wrote. It just never 'clicked.' I think the last 'good' song I've written was in 2009. And, considering this little blog started only two-ish years ago, I've barely even mentioned music or songwriting. I played my last two shows with the Shy Ones in my first trimester of pregnancy. I haven't had much time or thought for music until the past few months, when suddenly, I began itching to play guitar again. In fact, I was itching for a new guitar. A guitar I could pick out for myself that truly felt like it was 'mine' (my prior guitar was a gift. A great guitar...but just never had the magic. You know, like that 'wand-chooses-the-wizard' kind of magic from Harry Potter. Come on, you know what I mean, right?)

So I got myself my dream guitar (as far as inexpensive guitars go): a used Danelectro 56-u1. I love it! A song was already forming in my head, and I immediately went to work. Well, it's been a little over a month and I'm pretty sure my song is completed. I'm super excited about it. It may not be super catchy but the lyrics are some of the most honest I've written. And since I have yet to make any demos of my song, the lyrics are all I have to share at this moment. What is my new song about? Vulnerability and fear. Let me preface...

I started dating a couple months ago. More accurately, I started going on dates. I didn't know what to expect, considering I'd always dated people I already knew. But this is what I wanted. I wanted to date like 'normal' people. I wanted to get to know someone from scratch. Well, I won't say my initial experiences were bad, but I certainly didn't find 'the one' either. It was a little weird getting to know people, sharing personal info, telling 'my story', investing in theirs, maybe even feeling that flutter of hope...only to discover the dudes were lemons. Of course, they seemed like oranges at first. But these lemons, in retrospect, were good. They lead to oranges. Or, better yet, grapefruit, which I actually prefer.

All citrus fruits aside, the new experience made me feel vulnerable. Sometimes I just wanted to crawl into my little shell and say 'to hell with this dating b.s.' Thus, the essence of my post-baby writing debut...

Mind your heart- 2013 Tessonja Odette

V1

Love's a gentle stroll through hell

A walk I know too well

But I keep on returning

Until the soles of my shoes are burning

V2

The heart's a fickle muse indeed

No song's guaranteed

To express the mess we call love

Or tell what we're truly made of

Ch

Sometimes I think I'll sew closed my heart

And build a wall so deep no one will 

Tear it apart

Sometimes I think I'll cut my loss and run

And make my heart an island in the

Sun

V3

Love's dance on the edge of the sword

One side my reward

The other, my demise

Tread cautious, tread wise

Bridge/outro

Sometimes I say that I give up

Sometimes I say never again

But I never really mean it

I just keep falling faster 

I know I'll never give up

I know I'll never learn

I'm just one stray gaze away

From my next great un-doing

Mind your heart

Mind your heart

Well, there you go. Someday I'll figure out how to make a little demo, or video. 

18 Months!

My little bug is a year-and-a-half! It amazes me how big she's getting, and amazes me even more how my arm muscles continuously adapt to carrying her weight. The terrible twos are starting to show just a bit in the form of mild tantrums and demands (she's currently obsessed with the show 'Dibo the gift dragon' and freaks out if I don't let her watch it.) And I have a feeling those two-year molars are starting to form under her gums, as she's returned to sucking and chewing on everything. 

Her vocabulary and comprehension are astounding. She is starting to put multiple words together, like 'Hi mama' or 'Papa. Where? Go?' (Where did grandpa go?) or 'hode you' (hold you aka hold me.) I love how she pronounces words like 'muk' (milk) 'so yo' (cereal) and 'onj' (orange). 

This girl loves puppies and gets so excited around animals (like mother like daughter.) 

She loves daily walks, even when the weather sucks. I'm looking forward to finer spring weather so we can frequent more parks and play at the beach. Patience! The weather report looked promising for the week ahead! Crossing fingers!

See, she's already got a summer wardrobe, now we just need some sun!

We had a really fun first-toddler-Easter. I took her to my work (Trader Joe's) in the morning for an Easter egg hunt. She was shy at first as we were waiting outside the door with the other kids, and I was worried she wouldn't let me put her down. But she started getting excited, and asked to be put down just before the doors opened to let the kids in. I was so impressed with how well she participated! She definitely had a little help from her friends (my co-workers and I would point out where to look) but she totally got the idea that the eggs go in the basket. Of course, there were a few minutes where she tried to fill her basket with candy bars from the shelf. My little Easter baby even found one if ten golden eggs that earned her a prize basket. She MAY have had some help finding it, but she at least grabbed it herself.

What else is new over the past couple months? Just loving life, having a great time, and being happy!

  

This is what matters...

(Old picture, but a favorite. 5 months)

I'm so blessed to know the meaning of true love.

True love is having to pee soooo bad while you're stuck under your napping baby, but you hold it as long as possible so she can finish her nap.

True love is snuggling your baby even after she wakes up at 2am and throws up all over you.

True love is spending the majority of a church sermon chasing your daughter around the lobby, yet still thanking God for his blessings.

True love is putting someone else's needs before your own.

True love is not focusing on how another can fulfill you, but how you can serve the other person; how you can enrich their lives.

True love is exhausting. True love is rewarding. 

This is what matters. Relationships. Family. Children. It's not about the things. It's about the people. It's not about where you live, how much money you have, how expensive your shoes are. It's all about the little things in a day; the smiles, hugs, laughs, challenges, and lessons that you can only appreciate by being present.

I have everything I need.

  

Life is but a swing

  

November is 16 months old! Her vocabulary is growing like crazy, and you can tell she understands most of what I say. She is currently obsessed with climbing and balancing. She loves outdoor time, and I try to get us out on a walk or to the park daily. I'm so excited for spring; I see lots of time at the zoo, parks, walks, and beach in our near future.

The transition to one nap a day is pretty much complete. She's starting to sleep longer stretches during her one nap, although we do have rough days, like when she has to take her nap in the car. Her night sleep is improving too, and she is mostly night weaned, and (finally!!!) only wakes a couple times a night, and usually falls asleep by snuggling up to me. Someday she'll even sleep in her own bed...baby steps!

She's still quite wild and curious in public, which makes it hard to go out to eat anywhere quiet (or slow) or go to church and the like. She's ridiculously excited about new people in public and loves to wave and say 'hi' but she has become quite shy in closer situations, like when a friend tries to hold her, or when I try to leave her in the church nursery.

Dancing and jamming on the keyboard are things she loves to do...will she be musical like her parents?! 

Life is really good. Truly.

15 months!

  

November is a big 15 month old! Her vocabulary is growing by the day. She's become a brave little climber and loves slides! We've joined a couple mommy-toddler meetup groups in our area, so we've both been getting some socialization. November loves other kids. Mommy still has yet to venture into the world of dating (Is it fear, other emotions, or plain good sense?) 

I feel like I should start making some goals for my life. Creative things that give me direction. Things like do some new paintings, blog more, write more, start some at home 'tot school' type of project for November. I wanted to meet other moms, so I'm headed in the right direction in that. I also wanted to cook more/better and after buying two new cook ebooks, I've been improving there as well. But I still feel like I could benefit from some more clearly outlined goals. Lately, though, my brain avoids thinking about the future. Which s good, I guess, because instead I am remaining present and enjoying the moment. BUT I also feel like I'm not getting much accomplished. I guess it depends on how you look at it. Hmmm...

November seems to be transitioning from two to one nap per day, which hasn't been easy. She's so cranky in the morning before her nap and in the evenings, and is often a screaming pain to get to bed. But hopefully, once her body accepts the transition, things will get easier! We've had a few decent nights where she sleeps a long stretch (which for us is only about five hours) but always wakes hourly for milk after 3 or 4 until wake up time around 6. On the other hand, she sleeps perfectly well on the one night she stays with her dad! I blame my comforting boobs for waking her up.

My grandma is visiting this weekend, and November is meeting her for the first time. So far, she's been shy but is slowly warming up!

Wishing you a wonderful weekend!

Happy 2013!

 

2012 is over, and it has been one whirlwind of a year! So full of ups and downs. So many changes. So much joy. So much pain. Laughter. Tears. This was my first full year as a mommy, and like everyone says, the first year is the hardest. I moved 3 times. My relationship with my baby's father ended suddenly and painfully. November turned one year, experienced her first 'aware' Christmas, grew from a tiny baby to a walking, babbling toddler. I discovered an inner strength I didn't know I had. I had my heart expand, break, heal and expand once more. 

The past few days have been so positive for me, that I can look back on this entire past year with fondness and a feeling that everything happened for a reason. I'm uphill from the valley of heartache, and can finally attest that the pain doesn't last forever, and things do get better. The traumatic memories fade, your heart opens again. New love glows on the horizon. There is a peace you can only find in yourself, once you are free from negative emotions and really embrace living in the present moment.

I'd like to say I want calm and stability out if this next year, but I have a feeling I'm on a life path that will lead me many places, regardless of my own plans, so instead I will intend to embrace and enjoy my new path, wherever it takes me. And I intend to hold strong to the true sense of self I have tapped into; I've learned a lot about what I truly desire, cherish, and need out of life and future relationships, and I don't want to get swept away in the current of life and forget it.

As for my New Years resolutions, I'll keep the list short. I feel like everyone forgets their resolutions after the first three months anyhow, so I'll only make ones I think I can accomplish every day, or early next year:

1.) become a better, more involved, more present mother. The recent challenges I have faced revealed a dark discovery when it comes to how I parent: sometimes, when I would become consumed with grief, frustration, stress, or sorrow, I had a really hard time giving November all my positive, loving attention. I didn't become neglectful, but I found myself zoning out, feeling 'blank' and emotionally absent during these moments. This also made it harder to handle her moods of neediness and clinginess. I did not like the chasm that formed between us when I was depressed. I have recently become much more aware of this tendency and have been determined to remain 'present' and involved, and will make this my focus this coming year. 

I will pay less attention to my phone and iPad when she's awake. I can let the chores go for the moment if she needs me; sit down, hug, play, whatever she needs. The chores will still be there once she's feeling soothed! I will keep myself actively focused and playing with her, instead of dwelling on painful thoughts just because I have some free time while she plays. I know I won't always be perfect but ill try my best to be damn close! I love November more than anything, and being more involved with her every minute of the day brightens my mood, opens my heart, and keeps negative thoughts at bay. So it really is well worth it!

2.) Be a better listener. I talk. A lot. I wouldn't say I'm a bad listener, but I feel like I do more talking than listening with my friends and coworkers. I think this is especially so since I only work a few days a week, and seldom see my friends; when I have company I just want to talk and talk. I talk about my day, my life, my struggles, my baby, boys, every thought in my mind, my baby again, boys again...

I want to talk less about myself and ask more questions from others. It's hard because lately I genuinely need a sounding board but I must temper my need for expression with a genuine interest in other people's lives.

3.) Vacation. I can't really remember the last vacation I had. I think it was a short stay in Long Beach, WA Like 4 years ago? The last three plane trips I took were for touring with bands I was in; as fun as that sounds, its nowhere near a true vacation. I've been really nervous about flying with November but I think it's time to take our first vacation to...California! 

4.) Go on dates. I've never properly learned about dating in an 'adult' way. My relationships and flings usually start out as drunken encounters. I usually go on dates AFTER I'm already dating someone. I would love to experience the whole 'will you go on a date with me so we can get to know each other?' kind of thing. I decided not to date until after the new year, and now that it's 2013, I'm excited to do things right. I'm in no way desperate for a new relationship; I love my life, I'm happy with myself, I'm happy single BUT I'm also cautiously optimistic about my romantic future. It's a new year, a new life, and a chance to start over.

Goodbye 2012. Goodbye November's sweet baby-hood. Goodbye Spencer, old life, old home, old memories. Goodbye old dreams, old plans. Goodbye heartache. Goodbye bad choices. Goodbye bad feelings.

Hello 2013. 13 has always been my lucky number. Hello November's toddlerhood. Hello new adventures in motherhood and life. Hello to the new memories I will make, the new life I will build, the new love I will find. Hello to making new dreams and seeing them manifest. Hello to better choices, more happiness, better times. 

Wishing you a happy 2013!

My baby is a toddler

 

My little goofball! November is 14 months old! I feel like she is suddenly no longer a baby; she's a toddler. But I'll continue to call her my baby. Forever. She's been all about trying to figure out how things work; trying to fit into her moo cow house, rearranging the Tupperware cabinet, unfolding her clothes, taking them out of drawers, putting them back in, putting them on. She's a smart little cookie and loves making everyone laugh. Oh where is the time going?! So cliche, yet undoubtedly true!